The Top Ten UNESCO Bad Boys. And Us.

In the week that UNESCO is set to deliver its written report to Liverpool Council, it's time to put the whole affair into context. We're not the only city caught between the past and the future. We're in very good company...

We know we’re on the UNESCO naughty stair (but what a stair. It’s got that beautiful worn patina of age, and is authentically vernacular) but it’s good to know we’re in great company…

The near-hysterical coverage of the recent UNESCO threat to strike us from their of list World Heritage Status sites omitted to mention just how commonplace this conundrum is.

Nowhere does the Echo, the Guardian, the BBC or the Liverpool Preservation Trust, say that, at any one time, UNESCO are threatening to withdraw their favour from dozens of sites across the globe. It’s just not that unusual. They practically hand these gongs out on comical elasticated string. Talk about the boy who cried ‘heritage!’.

The world, as John Barnes once sort-of-rapped, is in motion. World Heritage sites are always in a state of flux. At least those in dynamic cities are. They’re the Schrodinger’s Cat of attractions: in a suspended state of being and yet not being. When is a World Heritage Sight safe? When it’s wrapped in cling film and left in stasis.

This week, Liverpool Council is set to receive the inspectors’ report - which will, in turn, be sent to Peel; architects of the controversial £5.5billion Liverpool Waters development at the heart of UNESCO’s ire. “This goes too far” said chief inspector Ron van Oers at the time. There’s a man who’s never seen Take Me Out, then.

UNESCO will then vote on its findings this June. In the meantime, we salute our top ten World Heritage sites currently on the naughty stair with us.

As we wait for the findings, let’s remember the words of Barnsey:

They’ll always hit you and hurt you/defend and attack/there’s only one way to beat them/get round the back…

Hmmm, maybe that goes too far. But we’ll do it for our city. Before they do it to us. Three graces on our shirts, and all that…

Istanbul

Ancient wooden warehouses in shocking state. Council opting to spend on new apartment blocks for poor people to, like, actually live in. It’s all too much. And that bridge proposal across the Golden Horn to alleviate the growing city’s congestion? UNESCO are livid. No-one touches their pristine horn and gets away with it. It straddles two continents, we’ve heard.

Mont Saint Michel

Plans to build wind turbines that could blight the spectacular view of this medieval island pilgrimage, crowned by an 11th century Benedictine abbey. UNESCO fart in their general direction. Handy on those stubborn wind free days.

Norwegian Fjords

Power lines across the spectacular Geirangerfjord have got UNESCO chiefs in such a mood it’s a definite nuls points. And, in a show of solidarity, they refused to sing Take On Me at the Christmas Karaoke this year.

Zanzibar Old Town

Plans for a swish five star hotel within the old stone town walls made UNESCO fact finders so cross on a recent visit they stole all the toiletries and left without paying for the in-room porn (which, to them, is Dan Cruickshank vinegar stroking an Etruscan vase).

Edinburgh

If UNESCO see ONE MORE WHEELIE BIN in Edinburgh’s Old Town they’ll snap. Honestly. And so help us, it’s gonna get messy. We’ve a suggestion: if they really want medieval authenticity, residents should throw their shit out of the windows onto the statue of Greyfriar’s Bobby. Ah, the good old days.

Pompeii

It’s a definite Up Pompeii from UNESCO. Talk about bad luck. First, the inhabitants of this idyllic seaside town get horribly burned and suffocated then, to add insult to life-extinguishing injury, UNESCO come along and complain that ‘visitor services aren’t up to scratch’. Call the cops. And get Costa Coffee in, pronto.

Nessebar, Bulgaria

The old town of Nessebar, a popular tourist spot, is being developed at too high a rate. Yeah, whatever. What has Bulgaria ever given us? Oh, apart from the only member of Ladytron who’s never lived here? Bulldoze it.

Panama

The Panama coastal highway (used by UNESCO to visit this historic district) is causing clear and present petulance to UNESCO. And that man who pretended to die in a freak Canoeing accident bought a flat there. That, understandably, was the last straw.

Victoria Falls

The falls, formed 150 million years ago, are in imminent danger, according to UNESCO, because of Zambia and Zimbabwe’s inability to draft up a Joint Management Team and an Integrated Management Plan for the site. Mass murderer Mugabe must be ready to throw in the towel any day now.

Lanzarote

This popular holiday hotspot is, according to UNESCO, a hotbed of illegal and highly offensive hotels. And we should know, we booked a last minute all-inclusive there last summer. Shocking polyester duvets, and there’s no way that was a Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc. The nerve.

So yeah, UNESCO then. Quicker to anger than Kevin Keegan in a tight spot. And you know what, we might have angered the UNESCO Gods. But we’d love it if we beat them.